Thinking on Anger

28 04 2008

It comes down to simple things in the end. A concerned and spiritual approach to life can be sabotaged in an instant if you lose your rag. This is my biggest problem at the moment.

Life is seeing fit to send the family some tribulations. I’m frightened, and stressed, and finding calm and serenity to be in short supply. I need a break in the chain between the flash and the bang. When my irritation suddenly blossoms into full-blown anger, there must be a fail-safe I can employ to stop myself making an outburst.

Withal, it doesn’t do to lose sight of the fact that we are only human. Everyone’s got a flashpoint; bottling up difficult emotions is neither honest nor helpful for those around you. I am getting better at apologising and trying to make amends – that’s something!

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9 responses

28 04 2008
The Shepton Witch

Anger is a fabulous emotion. Without anger, I’d never get any housework done! I have learned to harness anger and rather than lashing out, I will take it out on the carpets. I know it sounds silly, but it works. Lashing out isn’t always the best solution, but trying to hold a lid on anger just leaves it festering away and it then becomes damaging.

That’s not to say the I get it right all the time! I have also found that saying I feel angry helps a lot too. I was pretty angry the other day and by expressing that I was angry, it somehow helped to dissipate the feeling (that, or I’m just too old and lazy to hold on to it for long these days). By having to formulate the words to express that you are feeling angry in a way that is not an outburst in itself, it gives you a moment of pause and thought. To say to the person who has made you angry in a clam voice that they have made you feel so is a very powerful thing – try it.

One never wins an argument or debate by loosing one’s cool, but to have to apparent composure to say to the person who has provoked you “What you just did has made me feel angry” in a calm voice is a lot scarier and more powerful than gibbering.

I’m sorry that you are having such a tough time – I’m sending out positive thoughts for you my dear.

28 04 2008
The Green Witch

I have used anger to good effect before where the housework’s concerned!! Brilliant, isn’t it, how it can be turned into quite a positive thing and so much that was previously undone gets done!

I think most of the problem here stems from the fact that previously I’d run away from feeling like I do, try and forget it or ignore it. Not useful. Now, I’m trying to face it, and it does feel strange and unsteady but I’m not drowning in it. My biggest worry is D, actually. He’s so down I don’t know how I’m going to help him out of it. This is the problem. I still haven’t realised that I am not him; that whatever problems he has need not necessarily become mine. They have an effect on me, and in many different ways they are my problems too. But his feeling bad makes me feel bad cause I can’t make it all better again.

And shamefully, I still want to be looked after like an 8 year old, and to have someone else tell me it’s all going to be ok. Why can’t I do this for myself? I know I can if I try.

28 04 2008
fox

Expressing your anger is honoring the fact that you have that emotion, a gift from the Divine. To suppress it is to deny it and it just gets ugly from there.

Reading what you just wrote here about the home situation, I swear we are living the same life sometimes, just at opposite ends of the world. I know how hard it is dealing with all of this kind of stuff as I am going through a very similar situation myself. One thing that has helped me is to realize that I’m not responsible for another’s happiness, nor are they responsible for mine. Sure, I can enjoy them and be happy with them and we enrich each otherโ€™s lives, but my happiness is not dependant on them.

It is the difference between need and want. If you need something, you really can’t live without it, you have to have it. A want is a choice. You get to choose that piece of your life, it is there willingly. I would much rather have a want and be a want when it comes to relationships than a need.

Sorry if that was incoherent and rambly… I’m still on my first cup of coffee this morning! ๐Ÿ˜€

Sending lots of love and hugs your way, dear!

28 04 2008
Mereth

What’s wrong with wanting to be looked after occasionally? So long as the pendulum swings both ways and it doesn’t become an unhealthy co-dependency, being cared for is great.

You are right about being separate entities when it comes to you and D; it’s perfectly natural to want to boost him and cheer him, but as you know well enough, contentment, happiness and that place of stillness can only come from inside of him. You can do your best to make it possible for him to feel better, but it is something he has to do for himself; if he didn’t, it would only undermine him in a much worse way, in the long term.

Kim had wondered why he didn’t get a phone call from D, I think he was rather looking forward to a nerdy chat, but if D was feeling that low, let him know that it’s fine to phone any time this week.

You know, letting D see that you care but that you are also up, positive and cheery will be much better than you being gloomy too – it takes away another rod with which he could beat himself (I know about this, because I always feel guilty if I’m down for being a wet blanket and making everyone around me gloomy). I have a few other ideas that I shall email to you. ๐Ÿ™‚

28 04 2008
The Green Witch

Mereth, you’re right about the co-dependency. I love being taken care of, and rushing around after other people too, so I must be doing something right!

D was feeling utterly grutterly last night but has asked if he could call this evening! It’ll be about 7.30 – will that be ok?

28 04 2008
The Green Witch

Fox, my dear, it’s a nightmare, is it not! Trying not to get dragged down, or at least to be strong, because you know the other person needs you strong so they can cling to you!

You’re right about the need / want thing. And the experience of not trying to assimilate another’s worries and woes is proving to be a really good learning experience. I realise now that if I fold, D won’t have anyone to help him on the outside of the problem.

28 04 2008
Mereth

No problem for the call ๐Ÿ˜€

28 04 2008
beweaver

Just hugs

29 04 2008
The Green Witch

Thank you my dear beweaver. Appreciated!

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