Like a Cat

I’m sitting here feeling the strangest sensation, the equivalent of a cat unsheathing its claws, that rubbery, delicious stretching and flexing of a rusty muscle working again after a long furlough.

My mind is waking up. Outside all the clamour and jabber and jangling the last three months have roused in me, I’ve had flashes of intuition, ghosts of ideas, brief flashes of inspiration, and just never got up the impetus to write effectively. Like Andy at Somerset Pagan I have felt as though I should write; but chose not to, partly from inertia and partly from cussed bloody-mindedness. And despite all this, visitors to my blog have not deserted me, despite seeing I didn’t have anything to say; we hit 19,000 this morning and I thank the Goddess, plus I’m totally amazed. Where did all these people come from?!

Yule looms and I am reminded that Seshat and I began our journey together at this time last year. We are working together this Yule too – and will be celebrating our difference, our strength, our togetherness once again. The year always begins and ends here for me.

Now the Sparkly Season is upon us and things have loosened off; there’s room to breathe and to look around. I’m organised; I know what I’ve got to do and by when. Work is in hand, family are in hand; my home is three quarters organised and a paragon of whimsical efficiency and comfort. I am looking forward to Yule and to receiving guests and friends for wassail and cheer. I am going to give myself a break and enjoy the next few weeks without let or hindrance. This is my reward for dangers faced and a breathing space to prepare for whatever is to come.

Samhain Blessings!

To all my dear friends, old and new, friends I have not yet met and those who have gone ahead – blessings and love to you on this Samhain Eve.

I especially remember granny Jo, my wonderful, amazing grandmama; my cousin Anne-Marie; my cousin Hamish; and my cousin-in-law Simon, lately gathered.

May the Goddess and the God bless us all and keep us. As the year rolls towards the Dark Half, l will be planting new seeds that will sprout, I hope, come the Spring.

Sure

What a week. You confidently expect this sort of thing to be quite stressful, but in between keeping myself cheerful for my boy and organising my mental and physical division from my husband, I’m not sure I’ve got much time for myself in. That will come. I have been neglecting my devotions, and I’ll be glad to resume the programme with Seshat over the coming weeks. We got such a fantastic result from our last ritual that there’s only more ground to be covered, more depth to be explored there.

The moon rises towards the full over the weeks to come – totally auspicious timing. The power is there for the using.

I shall be away all of next week, from Sunday onward. This is for work, and should by all rights be a total pain, but actually I’m looking forward to some peace and quiet, my meals cooked by someone else, time to myself and some new faces. Hard work will keep me occupied, and I have a colleague and friend with me, so we can have a few quiet drinks and relax.

I have said this before, but I have been staggered, completely bowled over, by the strength of support and fellow-feeling shown me, especially here. It’s a wonderfully strengthening and life-affirming feeling. I feel entirely as though I am on the right path, at last, at last. I haven’t felt like this for at least 10 years.

Having not had this level of support in the physical world (long story!) except from a few very special and caring people, I can say you have honestly made the difference between failure and success for me. Without the strength, sanity, purpose and power you people have given, I’d have failed and gone back to my marriage with my tail between my legs. I had strength enough to make the move, but not quite enough to stick to the programme when the various ‘interest groups’ started applying the pressure. However, I was not alone. And my Goddess supported me too. Bless you.

The weeks to come may be interesting, but my life begins here, and I can’t believe the heady power of that thought. I feel like a lioness, once of a zoo, standing at the open door of a cage as the sun rises over the Serengeti. Time now to run for the horizon.

Clear Water

In ‘Joy of the Waxing Moon’, Seshat talks about our ritual last evening; as you see, she found it amazingly helpful. The ritual was so powerful and transformative that I don’t think I can be coherent about what it means to me.

When one explores the concept of perfect love and perfect trust it has the capacity to frighten; it means a great deal, and can’t be removed once given. Perfect trust in another confers power; without the perfect love, you have the possibility for abuse and for advantage to be taken. However, the ability to step out onto the cloud and see that it will bear you sets one apart. Things may be accomplished in this state that would be unthinkable in mundane life.

Seshat and I were able to see far across our own experience last evening; we were given an overview, as if we were standing on a high tower looking down on the map of our lives at present. We were able to see what was true, say what was true; we were able to listen. Many things were made clear.

We were able to know what to ask for – this is an underrated ability, and rarely comes right. Seshat is far better than I at framing a well-turned request – mine are fancies and feelings more than actual facts, strangely for one so decisive in regular life. We asked for the things we needed, and we feel we were listened to and answered. The ways are open.

Thanks be to the Goddess and the God.

Midsummer Blessings

To all my dear friends, blessings, for the Midsummer times are here.

We light the fires of the Summer sun upon the Earth; we sing of the green and the darkness under the trees.

We give thanks, for the cool waters, for the waters from the sky and the waters under the Earth. Thanks for the fires of the Sun and the fires we kindle on the ground. Thanks for the cool air, that lofts the birds and the scents of Summer. Thanks for the warm and fertile Earth, that bears our weight and the life we depend upon.

Goddess, I hail you; triumphant queen of the Midsummer night. You are the subtle moon past full, the silver grasses before the wind, the whispering oak. Lead me out to know the dark and the life you hold so gently by. Cradle me in the stillness at your centre; help me know.

God, I hail you; glorious king. Stand upon the Earth, crowned by the Sun. Now one with your Goddess, spring forward and lead me, Lord of inspiration, fire and feeling. Show me new paths. 

As the year burns and the wheel turns, guide us all in love and care; help us fight and be valorous for what is good. Give us the power and the heart to choose the right path, no matter how hard it is to follow.

So Mote It Be!

Bright blessings to all this Midsummer’s Eve. 

Praying for Strength

I just commented on a thread on Anchors and Masts about what God is good for – one of the things the Deities are good for, from my point of view, is to lend strength when it’s needed. Well, I need some!

My husband is leaving his current job; he’s been very unhappy for a number of years and now enough is enough. He’s had the chance of some work from a local company, but they’ve had to retrench after taking over another local firm and can’t offer him a package that he can accept. This doesn’t mean they’re not interested in him,  but for practical purposes he’s not got a job with them to go to.

He’s never really gone out and fought for a job before, and although I know he’s nervous he’s also very determined and his confidence is at a marriage-high as far as I can make out. I’ve never seen him so focused and it’s a great thing to watch.

I’m the one, stupidly, who is nervous. Not panicking – just nervous and worried. I need some power in my elbow to bat away these negative and unhelpful feelings!!

In the scheme of things I know without doubt that I am doing better than I would have done only a year ago. I have such confidence, renewed confidence, in my husband. I have seen depths to him I never knew existed, all brought about by adversity and trials he had never encountered before. Such a good result from a potentially unpleasant situation! It behooves us all to try to make the best of any downturns in our lives – there’s always a crumb of learning to be gleaned, no matter how hopeless things look.

So on we go with the job hunting! Who knows where we’ll end up. Exciting stuff!

Hard Lessons

Got a pasting at work from both the bosses – I’m taking too much upon myself, volunteering too much, getting involved in things that don’t concern me and not behaving the way they want me to. They are not happy.

Isn’t it amazing that, first, your efforts can be so misunderstood, and second, that it seems necessary to use such a large hammer to crack such a small nut?

I don’t really know what to do about this – I was really angry and taken aback, then sad and then I felt a bit futile, like I’d said something and hurt someone’s feelings but totally hadn’t intended to.

I would like to believe this wasn’t my fault – I can’t get away without feeling like it’s a bit my fault, because I’m genetically incapable of palming all the blame off on someone else.

I shall have to pray about this.

What did they mean, ‘I’m doing too much’? Isn’t that the definition of a worthwhile worker?

I lack serenity

This is something that has bothered me for a long time.

I have all the ingredients for it. I don’t lack anything. There’s just something that won’t let me rest.

Recently, I’ve started one of my periodic delves into my early life. The older I get, the more sure I become that in order to move on, and perhaps transcend this plane, you have to address the habitual problems you face and syndromes you fall into. You’ve got to break the thoughtless instinctual chain of action that ensues when you just bumble along, reacting in the way you’ve always reacted to any given problem.

I was once the subject of a palm reading; the reader told me I was in one of my final lives before going on, and I didn’t feel the need to prove myself or make any far-reaching alterations in the way I lived. I do not think this is true.

You’re made up of the sum of your actions, and the sum of the actions others performed upon you, particularly when you’re too young to act back.

As a strong, knowlegable woman with an active spiritual life, I used to think I had the raw materials for wisdom and serenity at my fingertips, and all that was required was to combine them. I no longer feel sure of this.

Many people aren’t interested in what has gone before- they’re ruthlessly pragmatic, living in the now, and they don’t admit of early influence. Lucky them!

Recently a concerned friend has told me that she thinks I ‘give’ too much; we’re going to talk more about what this means. For the moment, I’m restricting myself to thinking about what kind of pressure a mismatch between giving and taking can put on a life. Actually, it doesn’t look all that healthy.

I need to pray about this.

Spring

It’s coming and now I can see it’s advance guard approaching; warmer days, early sun, daffodils and narcissi and crocuses in the garden. The hellebores are flowering, the magnolias have swelling buds at the tip of every branch. At the end of the afternoon, the soil feels warm to the touch.

I look forward to gardening in a way that I never looked forward to Church. This is a recurrent theme for me, that church = garden. Had I received even an iota of the peace, spiritual calm and well-being, the serenity, the feeling of a job well done that I do from gardening, I’d've continued attending church services; well, I’d have had no reason to change.

To watch my Goddess shaking out Her tresses and walking in the dew with me is one that I will never, could never tire of. Being surrounded by Her creation in bloom is a privilege and one of the great pleasures of my life.

Thank you, my Goddess,

for the green trees in Springtime, for the shoots that spring

skyward like a massed cheer to the Sun;

for the flowers that sing Your praises and blow

golden trumpets to Your creation;

Let Your child run

Amidst the beauty of nature awakening;

in the glory of the Goddess, in the birthtime of the buds.

The Process

There’s a lot of me that wishes I was back at the beginning of my learning about wicca again. What would I do differently? What would I read that I haven’t read, do what I haven’t done? I have no regrets about my path, quite the opposite in fact; I simply feel the need to audit what I’ve done so far, decide where I’ve got to, and where I’m going next.

Lots of ‘I’s in there! It’s all about me, of course.

When there’s you and your gods in a room alone, and only you are blogging, it does all tend to get a bit insular, a bit egocentric. There’s a part of me that regrets the lack of a dialogue; Christians that I know claim their god speaks to them daily. There’s a sneaking part of me that believes Gregory House on this subject; if they speak to God, they’re religious; if He speaks to them they’re insane.

I want to think a little about the claim that gods speak and people hear. I find the assertion that god speaks to people comforting, and at the same time when those people claim it has happened to them it also sounds really smug and self-satisfied. Why do they merit special attention?  On the other hand, what else would the devout expect but that their god should communicate with them, the righteous? And if they expect it, who’s to say their expectations aren’t being fulfilled? Quite often, we get what we want. We hear what we want to hear. And if it conveniently bolsters our faith, well, it’s both a self-fulfilling prophecy and the best thing that’ s ever happened to us.

In the years since I’ve been studying and striving and learning and doing and praying, I cannot ever say that I have been in communication with my Goddess and God. I have felt Them, I have felt near to Them; they’ve never approached me and spoken to me. On balance, I’m glad. In the Christian tradition, God spoke to man through an intermediary; the premise being that the voice of God unbaffled would kill the one who heard it. This seems reasonable to me.

And really, why would They? What would They need to tell me, to communicate to me, that would make it essential to speak to me directly? I’m only me. I’ve been put on this planet to do my best and to exercise my free will to make choices which will eventually determine my future lives. Will I be good? Will I rise above my base human state?

This is the rub, people; if God speaks to you, you cannot fully exercise free will, which negates the purpose for which we were put here on Earth. We were put here to struggle, to strive to be better, to experience and to feel and to think for ourselves. If God tells you what to do, you have simultaneously scored the biggest home-court advantage in the world and circumvented the purpose of mortal life.